I am so sad that I have dropped the ball when it comes to this blog! I think my life just got crazy and I had some other things going on, but I've looked back at how wonderful it is to see pictures and glimpses of our lives from past blog posts and feel rejuvenated to start this up again and update it. So over the next few weeks there "should" be a bunch of catch up posts and then hopefully more regular up to date ones as well.
I feel inspired to post about something heavy I have dealt with over the past couple of years. It's a hard post for me to write, but I feel like it should be written. Luckily things like depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses have been less of something to be hidden and embarrassed about lately and I'm thankful for that because it helped me on this journey to know others struggle too and that I am not alone. To just state it in the beginning....I have been struggling with anxiety. It started about a year after Kayleigh was born. Kayleigh was such a hard baby for me. And I feel like I put everything into her and trying to get her to stop crying day and night. Between her and my other two kids, who were just four and two when she was born I was running on empty many days and nights...and on those endless days and nights I was stressed, worried, and crying alot. Luckily at one year she started getting better and "mostly" normal. And I feel as if my mind and body which had been held together by thinning glue...finally released itself and I fell apart a little bit...it quickly became evident that I had maxed out all of my brain's "worry juice" (that is what one of my friends called it and I liked that way of putting it). So my brain's coping capabilities were completely maxed and couldn't seem to handle stress or worry normally anymore and I started having little panic attacks. Although I had no idea that is what was going on at the time. I just thought my body was acting strange and it was alarming.
I know anxiety looks a little different for everyone, but this is how it looked for me. My mini attacks included shortness of breath, feeling like I was going to faint, feeling like I couldn't breath, heart racing, difficulty focusing, etc. The places that I would get these attacks varied: my kid's doctor's appointments, when my kids were sick, church, the grocery store, movie theaters, sometimes if I was just out and about anywhere, and they were the fiercest when I was driving on the freeway. I would tremble and shake and feel like I was blacking out, while struggling to breath. One night I woke up in the middle of the night with a pain in my back and my heart palpitating. I felt unable to move freely and honestly thought that I might be dying. I woke Tom up and even though I hate going to the emergency room had him take me in. The ER doctor told me it could be my heart or maybe a panic attack. I felt so embarrassed! A panic attack? I went to the emergency room for a panic attack?! I was asleep? Why would I have a panic attack in my sleep? Well my heart checked out and later my hormones checked out...and the doctors informed me I was dealing with anxiety. I couldn't believe it, but then finally...all of my episodes and feelings started making sense. I had an answer for what I had been experiencing. When I was struggling with it quite often I remember feeling really low. A couple times when I was out and about with the kids I had to call Tommy to come "rescue" me. It was embarrassing and I didn't understand why this was happening. I hated not being able to control this. I could control and handle everything before. I felt like I was losing my self worth. It seems dramatic but I was in a bit of despair. I know that Satan capitalizes on these moments too. He attempts to make you feel more alone, more in despair, more full of fear. It is good to recognize how he makes these struggles worse. I remember just crying in prayer that Heavenly Father would just fix it and make me normal and better again. But He wouldn't. I was strengthened but the problem did not go away.
Finally after a year of this...two things happened that helped immensely. First, I received a calling in the church to be the Young Women's President. It is a very busy calling that requires quite a bit of service and loving others. Although I felt very inadequate, diving into that definitely helped my feelings of despair and helped me to regain some of the feelings of self worth I had felt I had lost. However, even though things were better they were not completely fixed and so I was praying about it and I got the impression to read the apostle Jeffrey R. Holland's talk, "Like a Broken Vessel". I remembered him giving this talk in conference and it resonated with me, but not like it did when I read it again that night. As I was praying and contemplating my anxiety...that talk came to my memory strong and I re-read it and was touched and felt tears of another answer from Heavenly Father come across my cheeks. In summary, one of the things Elder Holland states is that just like our bodies need medicine to heal that sometimes our minds do too. Around this time I also had some friends share with me that they too had to be on medicine for a time to help with anxiety or depression and that it really helped. So I made an appointment and got on medicine for my anxiety. I am a lightweight and so felt super TIRED at first, but I finally started taking 1/4 of the medicine every other day and that was just what I needed. I started having less and less attacks. I started being able to drive on the freeway without freaking out. It was amazing! I took the medicine for a little less than a year.
I have been off the medicine for a month now and so far so good. I do have some anxiety here and there and I have to breath and calm myself down....but I haven't had episodes that I couldn't control like before. I'm thankful for a reprieve in this trial and that prayer, serving others, and the medicine has helped. I am not sure if I will live anxiety free forever, but that is okay. I will know how to tackle it if it comes at me full force again. I have a hard time writing this because it lets people know of a huge struggle of mine. And I guess I like to hide my struggles. But I know when I was dealing with it that I found comfort to know others also were dealing with it and that I was not alone. So I want to share this for anybody who might be struggling and could benefit from knowing they are not alone.
I guess we will see what the future holds. I just want to end with how thankful I am for prayer and for a Father in Heaven who answers prayers. I learned more about patience, long suffering, and that He truly does love and care for me during this struggle. I also gained empathy that I didn't have before for others who struggle with anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses. I was foolish and thought it was just something that they could control if they just thought more positive or prayed more fervently. I had to be knocked down a few pegs through my own torment to learn mental illness is not something that can be controlled. I am so thankful to have gained empathy in this area for it has and will help me to help others now. Heavenly Father could have taken it away the first time I prayed for it to go away, but He didn't. And while that was extremely difficult, I am thankful for the lessons I have learned along the way because He withheld. He always knows best.
I am thankful for a Savior who atoned for all my many shortcomings and whose grace fills in the holes during my struggles. I am thankful for the gospel in my life and the scriptures. I am thankful for General Conference where I hear and learn from modern day apostles and the Prophet. I am thankful for priesthood blessings and the power of prayer. I truly have been blessed with an amazing family, husband, and children. Heavenly Father blessed me with friends during this time that added love and laughter to my life when I needed it most. He blessed me with young women to serve that added love and the opportunity to "look outside of myself" of which I'm so thankful for. I'm thankful for a mom who has always pushed me to do hard things. I have so much love in my life and I am very blessed. I am so happy that even though I have trials that I can still hope for and find joy along the way. <3
